you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
