I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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