All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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