it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
