I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
