Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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