I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Drunk is a universal language darling
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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