Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
