Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
