ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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