As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
