so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
