life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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