I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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