At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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