I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
