The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
