Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
