Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
