I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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