he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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