As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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