Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize