There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
