I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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