dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
