Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I have aggressive nipples.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
