don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
