tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
