When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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