Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
