4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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