I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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