end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i think my mom watched the whole time
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
