don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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