this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
