Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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