I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
