I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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