it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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