It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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