im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
