her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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