it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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