Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
