Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
