Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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