I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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