and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
