So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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