the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
time to smoke my breakfast
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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