I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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