Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
