It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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