All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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