Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
