69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
