Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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