I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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